I made the terrible mistake of losing my virginity to Mr. Micro-Peen. The thing was that having no experience I did not know that his size was abnormally small, I thought it was normal. Till I met the other one…but that’s another blog post.
Love languages that is! Let me tell you a story….A long, long time ago, I went to a single’s retreat, which changed to a marriage retreat at the very last minute. When I say last minute, I mean that I found out as I was getting into my seat on the bus. I noticed all the couples holding hands and me being the only one with a kid by my side; my kid.
After taking the test, I realized that I am an Acts of Service type of person. The instructor told us that often, we show love using our love language because that’s how we express love and if the other person does not use that particular love language, to them the gesture does not mean anything. Once he said that I started to remember all the things that I would do for those that I care for. I understood why when I care for someone, I wanted to do so much for them. Everything made so much sense!
I am sitting here watching the Bachelor, and I completely felt inspired to write this Week 2 Blog Challenge from a womanpulse.com
For me, the three things that I learned about love are lessons that are very simple, yet very powerful. In a nutshell, I learned not to chase it, not to wait for it and not to force it. Voila! I told you it was simple!
Love is like a breeze that envelopes and fills you. Therefore, is easy and simple. I learned very early on not to wait for it; not to be that person who says, ‘when I find my guy, I will do this, or I will be happy.’
Once I stopped waiting, I became so fierce and independent! This sense of freedom that came from not waiting made me love and appreciate myself more. When I stopped waiting for love and started living life and loving myself, I stopped being scared and started being joyful.
I love to run and put miles on my sneakers, but I stopped running after love a long time ago. Is not worth it and it doesn’t burn any calories! I know that love will find me, at the right time and the right place. All I need to do is live the best life that I can and continue to be happy.
Talking about sneakers, it is nothing worst than squeezing my feet into an overly tight pair. There is just so much breaking in one can do to a shoe. if it doesn’t fit, it just doesn’t fit no matter how cute they look, we must put them back on the shelve. This shoe metaphor has been my philosophy in love.
Love is easy, it shouldn’t be hard, or forceful and it shouldn’t make one feel empty inside. Often people like to say that love hurts, but love doesn’t hurt. What hurts are those actions that are done in the name of love. Instead, love is pure, is the feeling of caring for someone unconditionally. Hence, love should not hurt, and it should not be difficult.
In my extensive dating experience, I have had the pleasure of hearing several men say that withholding information is not lying. Usually, this is a response to my disclaimer when I openly confess that my biggest pet peeve is when someone lies to me.
I usually get a prideful response that runs in the lines of “I don’t lie to the woman I’m with, I may leave some things out, but I don’t lie”. This statement makes me feel a bit uncomfortable since for me withholding information is in the same realm as lying. Granted is not an outright lie, but you are not painting the whole picture to the other person.
Do you think withholding information is the same as lying?
When I hear this statement from a guy, I automatically feel distrust. From that point on, I don’t know if what they are telling me is the whole story or if they are leaving bits out for me to find later.
What about if what he’s withholding is important for me to know?
It could be something very minor as the number of ladies he has dated, or it could be something that is critical for me such as his STD history or that he just recently broke up with his baby momma, or that he has a legal case against him. The latter is things that will affect me if I develop a bond with that person and I would like to know this before I get serious.
At the beginning of a relationship it may not be the right time to share, but certainly don’t leave this information on the back burner and forget about it! I believe that information that is sensitive in nature which has the power to affect those around you should be share with those people.
I wouldn’t want to get serious with someone who has withheld something from me. Clearly without having all the information, I would not honestly know who this person is. How can one say ‘I love you’ or ‘I want to be your girlfriend’ when you don’t know him? These will be invalid statements if they are utter before having a complete picture of that person.
My latest obsession is Love and Hip Hop New York. The love triangle between Tara-Peter-Amina has me feeling some type of way. It’s obvious that Peter was lying, but most importantly he was withholding information to both ladies and portraying himself as single to Amina and as a devoted dad and boyfriend to Tara.
I doubt that Amina would have married Peter if he had told her that he was still living with Tara and having sex with her every once in a while. Instead of telling her outright his living arrangement, he withheld that information from her. The way he carried himself gave Amina the impression that he was a single man, and as a woman who fell in love with him, she married him.
If Tara would have known that Peter was getting serious with Amina, I am sure she would have put a stop to it, and the marriage would not have happened. Instead, Peter withheld this side of his life from Tara, and she went on living her life as if she and Peter’s relationship was still intact.
This love triangle would be non-existent now if Peter would have been forthcoming in sharing vital information to the women that are part of his life. Withholding information is not the same as lying, but it causes the same damage. I would prefer it if men were honest and man enough to lay their cards on the table and let the woman decide whether this is a relationship they want to be a part of.
Some would say yes, and stay while others will say no, but thanks for playing. At least, the ones that say yes cannot complain later that they didn’t know. On the same token, the man would know that he has a willing partner by his side and not one who may leave as soon as everything is revealed.
Love and lust are not enough to cover up lies and newly discovered deal breakers. Once the seed of distrust is planted, it takes a lot of hard work and consistency to rip it from the root and build a garden with the seed of trust.
It’s as if you go on the dirt trying to look for diamonds, you don’t find any and you go back again thinking that it will magically appear. If the soil was bare before, it will still be bare now.
As women we tend to think that we can fix someone or that time may change someone for the better. The truth is that only the person itself has the power to change once he chooses to do so. No matter the time, no matter the words, no matter the effort, if someone does not want to change, he will not. Is that simple.
But it’s easy to feel like it’s better to go back, at least, you know him already. ‘Better the devil I know, than the one I don’t know.’ It’s a famous saying that shows the fear that we sometimes have when it comes to embarking on new things.
We will rather roll on that old dirt over and over because at least we know what is there (or not there) than to walk to a different patch of dirt and start digging anew. This behavior depicts the fear that we have of the unknown; of starting over.
We may think that time could resolve the old issues that were in the relationship. That is wrong! Usually, that shit blows up in our face. Same old issues come creeping back as soon as the newness of the old relationship wears off. The truth is that the problems have not gone anywhere, they are part of the people involved. They will always be there when those two people are together. When those two individuals are no longer together, the problems that they shared disappeared. It’s like magic!
Sometimes a combination of two personalities can create a beautiful mess, but no matter how beautiful it is, it will always be a mess. Sometimes is worth it to be with that person, and you can tolerate the good with the bad. Then there other times when the good just doesn’t outweigh the bad and is not worth to stay in. When the good overwhelms the bad, it is best to let go and not resurrect the relationship.
It is very rare for someone to change. A traumatic life changing event needs to occur for someone to change parts of his personality or his complete personality. Those events are rare and far in between. We are talking about, I almost died and saw heaven type of events.
Most likely if a dude is telling you he changed, he misses you, he wants to try again, is not true. Don’t lose your head and only think with your heart. You should ask yourself if the issues and problems from before are worth living and dealing with again. If you can tolerate EVERYTHING that the man has to offer, then you should give it a shot. Just know that you will be dealing with the same behavior only in a different time.
Whatever you do, don’t just think about the good memories, the laughs and toe curling sex when you are making the decision of whether to go back with him. Think about the fights, the arguments, the pet peeves, the things that had you rolling your eyes at this man. Those things are still there, and he’s bringing it back with him. Are you ready for Part Deuce of the same bullshit? That is the most important question to ask yourself.
Is it worth it to go back? You would have to decide that.
At the end of the day, the world will continue to turn, and you will continue to get older and hopefully wiser. The way I see it is, why waste my time walking backwards and revisiting situations that did not work? I would rather move forward and make brand new mistakes than to keep making the same one several times. At least with making new mistakes and trying different things I am bound to get it right once and find my rock with diamonds on a new patch of dirt.